PDA: Understanding the Persistent Drive for Autonomy

Summary

Avoidance is rarely a simple “no”. Find out more about PDA behaviours below with expert insights from Laura Kerbey.

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile within the autism spectrum where everyday demands trigger intense, anxiety‑driven avoidance. These demands can be spoken (“put your shoes on”), internal (“I should do this”), social (“say hello”), or even positive (“let’s do something fun”). The issue isn’t necessarily the task itself, it’s the pressure and the sense of losing control.

When a demand is placed on someone with PDA, their nervous system can react as if they’re under threat. This can lead to panic, shutdown, avoidance, or behaviours that look oppositional from the outside but are actually protective responses to overwhelming anxiety.

We spoke with Laura Kerbey, a leading PDA specialist, to deepen our understanding. Laura is an education and autism consultant who has spent many years working directly with autistic and PDA learners in school and specialist settings. Through PAST (Positive Assessments Support and Training), she delivers training across the UK on autism, PDA, anxiety, and low‑demand approaches, helping educators, parents, and professionals understand how to support children whose needs don’t fit traditional strategies. She is also the author of multiple books on PDA and autism including The Educator’s Experience of Pathological Demand Avoidance, a practical, highly accessible guide for teachers and professionals who support PDA students. 

What Does PDA Really Mean?

Although the traditional term is Pathological Demand Avoidance, many PDAers and professionals prefer a more accurate description: a persistent drive for autonomy. This reframing shifts the focus from “avoiding demands” to understanding why demands feel so threatening.

Laura explains it clearly:

“The demand is a threat to their autonomy. PDA is often referred to by a lot of people as a persistent or pervasive drive for autonomy, which I actually prefer as an acronym for PDA.”

This helps us understand that PDA isn’t about being controlling or difficult. It’s about safety, agency, and emotional regulation.

Laura adds:

“People talk a lot about PDAers having a need for control, but actually I think that the need for autonomy is just as important to a PDAer.”

How PDA Shows Up in Everyday Life

PDA can look different from child to child, but there are common patterns especially when a child is becoming overwhelmed.

Laura describes the early signs:

“Each child is different, but some indicators would be increased sensory needs, increased demand avoidance and then behaviour changes such as being more tearful, quiet, ‘angry’ and perhaps isolating themselves.”

These shifts often appear:

• during transitions
• at family gatherings
• in busy public places
• at school
• during birthdays or celebrations
• when routines change
• when expectations pile up

Understanding these signs helps adults respond before a child reaches crisis point.

Understanding PDA: The What, Why, and How

To understand PDA, it helps to look beyond the behaviour and explore the types of demands that trigger anxiety, and why. For PDAers, a “demand” isn’t just an instruction. It can be anything that creates a sense of expectation, pressure, or loss of autonomy.

Types of demands PDAers may avoid include:

• Direct demands (“Sit down”, “Start your work”, “Finish your dinner”)
• Indirect demands (“It’s time to go soon”, “Everyone else is doing this”)
• Internal demands (“I should do this”, “I need to finish this”)
• Social demands (greetings, eye contact, group participation)
• Positive demands (fun activities, rewards, praise, invitations)
• Performance demands (being watched, evaluated, or timed)

For someone with PDA, any of these can trigger a threat response because they imply a loss of control. The nervous system reacts first, the behaviour comes second.

This is why avoidance is rarely a simple “no”.

It’s often creative, clever, and socially intuitive, designed to protect autonomy without confrontation.Laura Kerbey explains these avoidance strategies in depth in her interview on the Autism & ADHD TV with Holly podcast:

“Very often with a PDA profile it won’t just be a simple no, or a simple refusal. It will be that the young person or individual is using very clever or very creative tactics so that you don’t even realise sometimes that the demand that you’re presenting the person with is being avoided.”

Many PDAers use social fluency to sidestep demands in ways that feel warm, funny, or flattering:

“PDAers will often use social strategies, like I might ask someone to do something and they might say ‘Laura I really like your earrings, they’re really pretty aren’t they, they really suit you,’ and they’ll start flattering me and charming me and distracting me so that I don’t even realise that they’ve avoided the demand.”

This isn’t manipulation, it’s self‑protection.

It’s a way of keeping the interaction positive while avoiding the pressure.

Some PDAers use imagination to create distance from the demand:

“You might have very extreme methods of avoiding the demands, like pretending to be a cat. Lots of young people I work with will pretend to be cats or dogs and they’ll go into this role play and become something that can’t possibly comply with the demand because they’ve got paws and not hands.”

Role‑play gives them a safe buffer:

If I’m a cat, I can’t possibly do the thing you’re asking.

Why these strategies make sense

These avoidance techniques aren’t about being difficult.

They’re about reducing the intensity of the demand so the child can stay regulated.

When a PDAer feels:

• watched
• pressured
• expected
• evaluated
• rushed
• or “pinned down”

…their anxiety spikes, and avoidance becomes a survival strategy.

How adults can reduce the threat of a demand

One of the most effective ways to support PDAers is to rephrase demands so the child feels involved, not directed.

Instead of:

“Put your shoes on.”

Try:

“Which shoes do you want to take with us, the comfy ones or the fast ones?”

Instead of:

“It’s time to start your work.”

Try:

“Shall we start with the easiest bit or the funniest bit?”

Instead of:

“Come and sit down.”

Try:

“Do you want to sit here or make a cosy spot somewhere else?”

Why Autonomy Reduces Anxiety

For PDAers, autonomy is a regulation tool. When they feel in control, their anxiety decreases. When autonomy is removed, even unintentionally, anxiety spikes.

This is why they will often struggle with:

• direct instructions
• time pressure
• unpredictable environments
• social expectations
• being watched or evaluated
• transitions
• internal demands (“I should do this”)

And it’s why collaborative, flexible, choice‑based approaches work so much better than rigid ones.

The Scaling System: A Simple Tool That Makes a Big Difference

One of Laura Kirby’s most effective strategies is the scaling system, a discreet way for PDAers to communicate how they’re coping without needing to speak in the moment.

She explains:

“Involve your child… use the scaling system when out and about so your child feels that they can escape if it all gets too much.”

A typical scale might be:

• 1 – I’m okay
• 2 – It’s getting tricky
• 3 – I need to leave

This gives children a voice before they hit overwhelm.

Laura also highlights the importance of sensory supports:

“Some children may need ear defenders, also find out if places you are visiting have a more sensory friendly time.”

This applies to things like:

• birthday parties
• family meals
• school events
• outings
• clubs
• busy shops
• noisy celebrations or public holidays

The goal is to create predictability, autonomy, and a clear exit strategy just in case.

Supporting PDA at Family Events and Social Gatherings

Family events can be especially challenging, noise, expectations, unpredictability, and social pressure all play a part. Laura’s advice encourages parents to set boundaries with relatives:

“Prioritise what your child needs over what other people think you ‘should’ be doing.”

And to prepare others ahead of time:

“Prepare other family members with phrases like, ‘X is autistic with a PDA profile, they may not be able to come and join in.

‘X is not eating the same as us, please don’t mention this to them.’

‘X may not be able to open their presents in front of you.’”

This protects the child from pressure and misunderstanding.

She also emphasises flexibility:

“It is really important to pick your battles… if they don’t want to come out of their room, get dressed, eat at the table etc then don’t force it.”

And she explains why:

“High anxiety = low demand tolerance.”

When anxiety rises, even tiny demands can feel impossible.

Co‑Regulation: Your Calm Helps Their Calm

Children and young people with PDA are highly sensitive to the emotional states of the adults around them.

Laura’s advice for parents is powerful:

“If you start to feel stressed out yourself, take a breather, your emotional regulation will really impact your PDAer.”

She suggests modelling emotional honesty:

“For example, ‘It is really noisy in here and it is making me feel stressed so I am going out to get some fresh air if you would like to join me.’”

This shows children that stepping away is allowed, and healthy.

Her final reminder is one every family deserves to hear:

“Remember there is no such thing as a ‘normal’ family and also that ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’ Do things that work for you and your family.”

Why PDAers Avoid Even the Things They Want to Do (and Strategies That Help at Home)

One of the most confusing aspects of PDA is that avoidance doesn’t only happen with tasks a child doesn’t want to do. It can also happen with activities they genuinely enjoy. In a sense the avoidance can be highly irrational at times, and some children may not fully understand or have the ability to communicate the reason behind their anxiety towards the demand. 

Laura highlights this clearly:

“You might get avoidance of things that the young person wants to do, as well as things they don’t.”

This can look like:

• refusing to go to a party they were excited about
• avoiding a favourite hobby once it’s scheduled
• shutting down when asked to choose something fun
• resisting transitions into enjoyable activities
• rejecting praise because it feels like pressure

Strategies That Help at Home

Families often find that PDAers cope better when:

• activities are framed as invitations, not instructions
• choices are open‑ended (“Would you like to start inside or outside?”)
• transitions are softened with humour or playfulness
• the child has a clear escape route or safe space
• adults avoid over‑enthusiasm, which can feel like pressure
• the child feels ownership over the plan

These approaches reduce the sense of being pushed, which helps them stay regulated enough to participate.

How SEND Tutoring Uses These Approaches

At SEND Tutoring, our tutors are trained in low‑demand, autonomy‑supportive approaches. We understand that PDA students learn best when they feel safe, respected, and in control of their own learning journey. That’s why we use strategies like these to help students with a PDA profile feel safe enough to learn. For example, our tutors might:

• offer gentle invitations rather than direct instructions
• use playful, indirect language to reduce pressure
• allow the child to lead the pace and direction of the session
• build in “opt‑out” moments so the child always has an escape route
• use humour, role‑play, or shared interests to create connection
• avoid praise that feels evaluative, and instead use neutral, supportive language

These strategies help PDA learners stay regulated, feel respected, and engage in learning without the fear of losing autonomy.

We build trust first.

We follow the child’s lead.

We create learning experiences that feel manageable and meaningful.

If your child has a PDA profile and needs support from someone who truly understands their world, SEND Tutoring is here to help them thrive.

Support for Every Learner
Discover how SEND Tutoring supports students with a wide range of needs, including PDA, ADHD, autism, dyslexia, cerebral palsy, epilepsy, and more. 

Resources and Insights 

Looking for more practical tools and expert guidance? Visit our resources page for additional blogs, strategies, and helpful links.

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Ella Jones

If you’re looking for support for a child or young person with special educational needs or a disability, book a free call with us today and find out how we can help.