The Hidden Reality for Neurodivergent Girls: Insights from Carly Steel at the Autism & ADHD Show

Summary

Carly’s session was grounded in both research and lived experience. She has spent the past year writing a book exploring the process of finding yourself after years of masking or compensating. Her insights aligned closely with what we see in our work with learners: the girls who appear to be coping are often working the hardest of all.

A week ago today, the SEND Tutoring team attended the Autism & ADHD Show at the London Business Design Centre, a full day of talks, research, and SEND innovation. The event brought together educators, clinicians, parents, advocates, and organisations working across the SEND landscape. We spent the day engaging with the wider conversations that are shaping support for neurodivergent children and young people.

Throughout the day, we explored new resources, connected with schools and specialist providers, and spoke with entrepreneurs developing tools and technologies designed to improve accessibility and inclusion. The atmosphere was collaborative and forward‑looking, with a shared commitment to improving outcomes for neurodivergent learners.

This context matters, because the conversations we had, and the talks we attended, will directly inform the way we continue to support families and students. Among these sessions, one talk in particular stood out.

Carly Steel: The Hidden Reality for Neurodivergent Girls

Carly Steel is a neurodiversity consultant, public speaker, and specialist mentor. She delivered an incredibly compelling session on the internal experiences of neurodivergent girls and the reasons they are so frequently overlooked. Her work focuses on identity, belonging, and the emotional and cognitive labour many girls carry long before they receive recognition or support.

She opened with a line that framed the entire discussion:

“Instead of asking who am I? Neurodivergent girls ask Who Do I Need to Be?”

This question reflects the pressure many girls feel to adapt, perform, and blend in, often at significant personal cost.

Why This Talk Resonated

Carly’s session was grounded in both research and lived experience. She has spent the past year writing a book exploring the process of finding yourself after years of masking or compensating. Her insights aligned closely with what we see in our work with learners: the girls who appear to be coping are often working the hardest of all.

Her description of the “two jobs” many girls perform was particularly striking:

“I’ve spent the last year writing a book about identity, belonging, and what it meant to find your way back to yourself. One of the things I’ve realised is that many neurodivergent girls spend years doing two jobs at once:

Finding their way through the world,

And concealing how hard they’re working to do it.

And because they often reach the destination, nobody asks what it cost them to get there.”

Masking: The Invisible Workload

Masking is often talked about in professional settings, but for families and educators, the term can feel vague. 

Masking is the effort a neurodivergent person makes to appear “fine” on the outside, even when things feel overwhelming on the inside. It can involve:

• copying social behaviour
• rehearsing responses
• hiding confusion
• forcing eye contact
• suppressing stimming
• pushing through sensory discomfort
• over‑preparing for tasks
• staying quiet to avoid standing out

In simple terms, masking is work. It is a constant process of monitoring, adjusting, and performing.

Managing sensory input, rehearsing social scripts, and constantly monitoring the environment take its toll on the mind, and body. This is where we hear terms like autistic burnout, which is exactly as it sounds: a state of profound physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion from the constant effort required to navigate a neurotypical world.

This dual effort is exhausting, and it often goes unnoticed because the outcome: academic achievement, social participation, apparent confidence, can obscure the internal strain.

This is why understanding masking is essential. It helps us look beyond surface‑level success and ask the more important questions:

How much effort is this taking? What support would reduce that effort? What would it look like if they didn’t have to mask?

Carly emphasised that rest is a key part of reducing the impact of masking. And rest needs to be understood in different forms:

• Cognitive rest — reducing thinking load
• Sensory rest — stepping away from overwhelming environments
• Executive function rest — fewer demands on planning and organisation
• Social rest — time without performance or interaction
• Physical rest — recovery from the physical strain of masking

When we recognise masking, we can respond with compassion rather than assumptions. We can create environments where girls don’t have to work so hard to appear “okay”. We can help them build a sense of self that isn’t shaped entirely by what others expect.

Why Girls Are Missed: Evidence and Impact

Carly highlighted research that challenges the assumption that girls present with “milder” forms of ADHD or autism. Instead, their needs are often less visible.

“ADHD in girls isn’t necessarily less impairing. It’s often less recognised.”

— National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE)

“Emerging research suggests that many girls and women with ADHD become experts at compensating, over-preparing, and hiding their struggles.”

— Mowlem, 2019

“Autistic people with an internal presentation who go unrecognised may struggle to form a clear sense of identity — and often turn to unhelpful coping strategies like self-harm, eating disorders, or substance use.”

— Mogensen & Mason, 2015

Carly emphasises:

“When we miss ADHD in girls, we’re not just missing a diagnosis. We are missing opportunities to protect their mental health, relationships, and sense of self.”

Identity: Supporting Girls to Understand Themselves

Carly explored the components of identity that many neurodivergent girls struggle to develop when they spend years adapting to external expectations:

• Identity — Who am I?
• Needs — What helps me? What do I want?
• Values — What matters to me?
• Beliefs — What do I believe about myself and others?
• Boundaries — What feels okay and not okay?
• Self‑trust — Can I trust myself?

“Many neurodivergent girls become experts in understanding everyone else, whilst losing confidence in understanding themselves.”

Carly recommends creating opportunities to help them discover who they are: 

• Explore strengths and interests
• Offer meaningful choices and autonomy
• Notice what energises and what drains them
• Validate internal experience
• Encourage self‑reflection
• Use neurodivergent role models and stories

These practices help rebuild self‑trust and reduce the pressure to mask.

Reasonable Adjustments That Make a Difference

Carly outlined adjustments that can reduce overwhelm and create environments where girls can thrive without masking:

• Predictability and preparation
• Flexible ways of working
• Sensory accommodations
• Movement opportunities
• Processing time
• Alternative communication methods
• Reduced cognitive load
• Emotional regulation support
• Collaborative problem‑solving

Carly also acknowledged something that is often overlooked:

Many neurodivergent girls initially resist adjustments because they do not want to appear different from their peers.

Years of masking can create a belief that blending in is safer than being supported. For some girls, accepting help feels like admitting they are “not coping”, even when the opposite is true. They have been coping too well, for too long, at great personal cost.

This is where representation matters.

Girls need neurodivergent role models who show that having autism, ADHD, or other SEND profiles is not something to hide, minimise, or apologise for. They need to see adults who thrive not by masking, but by understanding themselves and using the support that enables them to flourish.

Reasonable adjustments are not about making a child stand out.

They are about giving them the conditions to be themselves, safely, confidently, and without exhaustion.

Why This Event Matters for Our Work

The Autism & ADHD Show offered a chance to hear from researchers, practitioners, and lived‑experience experts who encouraged us to reflect on how we listen to learners, how we design support that reduces hidden workload, and how we collaborate with families in ways that honour each child’s internal experience. Events like this remind us that our work is not only about academic progress but about identity, wellbeing, and creating environments where neurodivergent young people can be themselves without exhaustion or compromise.

Many of the girls we support arrive with long histories of masking, over‑preparing, and working far harder than anyone realises. At SEND Tutoring, we take that hidden effort seriously. Our tutors are experienced in recognising the signs of masking; the quiet compliance, the perfectionism, the reluctance to ask for help, the exhaustion that appears only at home. We create learning environments where girls do not have to perform or blend in to feel safe. Instead, we focus on building trust, reducing cognitive and sensory load, and helping learners understand their own needs without shame or self‑doubt.

Our SEND support is always personalised. Some girls need space to unmask gradually. Others need help identifying what rest looks like for them. Many need reassurance that accepting adjustments is not a sign of weakness but a sign of understanding themselves. Our tutors work relationally, not transactionally, and that makes a profound difference.

We also place strong emphasis on identity. Girls who have spent years adapting to others often struggle to articulate who they are, what they enjoy, or what feels right for them. Through gentle exploration, meaningful choice, and validation of internal experience, we help them rebuild self‑trust, something that masking can erode over time.

Carly Steel’s talk was one of many highlights from the day. Her ability to articulate the internal world of neurodivergent girls brought clarity to so many issues that are often misunderstood or overlooked when it comes to diagnosing women and girls. It was both energising and informative to hear from someone who speaks with such precision, compassion, and insight.

We left the Autism & ADHD Show with a great deal to reflect on and a reminder of why we do what we do. We also left with many more insights to share, so keep an eye out for future pieces where we’ll continue unpacking these themes and offering guidance grounded in research, practice, and lived experience.

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Ella Jones

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